Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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