I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
