I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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