I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
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