3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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