the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
