i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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