Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Randomize
