Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
