3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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