Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You were trust falling into bushes
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
