im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
