how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
