Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
