): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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