My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
