tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
