my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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