so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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