He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
