if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize
