drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize
