my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
