garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
