if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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