I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
