I was born with a shot glass in my hand
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
