I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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