Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
