She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
