I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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