I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Randomize
