I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
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