I haven't been this sober since birth.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I'm bleeding and have questions
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
