I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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