I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
My vagina just recognized that song.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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