ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
