My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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