Where is the hickey?
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
