you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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