He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
