She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Randomize
