booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
