I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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