yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
