I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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