we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
