I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
