Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
