you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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