This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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