i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize
