Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
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