I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
