I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
