tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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