hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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