A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
No I am not eating basil off your cock
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Randomize