Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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