I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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