Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
